The story of my own Revelation // 2.20.2018
I have been on a bit of a hiatus as much as possible while I sorted through the happenings in my life in the last few months. It's been a whirlwind and with the way I am wanting to go with Real Teel Photography I think I owe everyone an explanation for the changes that are about to happen. So, here we go.
Myself and my job as a photographer are beginning evolve after feeling I have been at a stalemate the last year or so. It's a blurred line to be honest and I owe a sincere apology to everyone I have hurt or frustrated from being in very deep rut. If I went to a doctor I can assure you I would be diagnosed and labeled with some sort of disorder but I am not a huge fan of being labeled. I am not afraid to admit what happened or is happening and neither should anyone else. We aren't faking anyone but ourselves. I know that it is a story that may help others see the light I have. Really...that is all I am trying to achieve with this blog post.
I have sat in silence for hours on end and spent countless days alone in thought to figure myself out. I just really just wanted time to figure out how to get out of the very bad funk I was in and needed very little distractions. I started to become so bored spiritually with my life and was putting the blame on everything BUT me. I felt so LOW and no idea why. Here I was, surrounded by my loving family and amazing friends doing something I loved as a job but WHY was I still so empty? I found myself hitting a such a bad low that it started to trickle into my personal relationships...then into my work (hard to separate the two sometimes). To sum things up...I had fallen down too deep and began to notice it taking too big of a toll on my life entirely.
This is Gina. She began as a client and has become a sister to me. She booked with me initially to do her head shots. I ended up photographing her wedding, the birth of her daughter, their first Christmas together and so much more. She had this passionate drive for success and I wanted to be right there with her. I had such a love for photographing all the milestones for everyone else but couldn't find the happiness in my own. It made me feel so ashamed. The moment I met her I felt like I had known her my whole life. She was honest and made it a point to make you feel loved. She and every single one of my closest friends are just those kind of people. She became like a sister to me and pushed me to really strive harder and gain a backbone. She certainly had one and I adored that about her. All of my closest friends and family members, in their own beautiful ways, were always encouraging me to find God by simply setting an example of His love. When I say that, I mean they really practiced what the bible tells us, to love unconditionally. I was the odd ball who thought just saying I believed in a higher power was enough. Nope. Not how that works.
One day, I had that moment. That moment of being on the bathroom floor hiding a massive meltdown while my husband and kids played downstairs. I stuck my hands out in a moment of absolute desperation and prayed that God would wake me up from this sleep I was in. I didn't want the disconnect that was happening. I just wanted to love life again. What was to come was proof to me there is a divine energy that we can all connect with if we allow ourselves to accept the love. In life, we often go through very difficult circumstances that cause us to turn off our ability to accept love in order to stop the hurt. It's a coping mechanism we all have and use. Then, we go through life in auto pilot and forgetting how to love. It isn't until we put down those walls and accept the love that is there waiting for us that we can find our inner peace and happiness.
So there I was, a REAL hot mess on the floor with my back against the wall. All of the sudden a wave of love came over me and a crazy sense of calm. It hit me. HIS love hit me. THIS was what my soul was longing for. This is why I couldn't find my happiness! It was like my brain exploded with new insight and everything started to made sense all of the sudden. I couldn't believe how ignorant I was to my own habits. They were so self destructive to my OWN life's purpose and true happiness. I spent the last decade of my life giving my all to everyone else and forgot to love myself along the way. I needed a connection with a higher power and it was time to figure out how to achieve it.
Finding God meant I had to dig deep first and admit who I really am and not who I THINK I am. Which let me tell you now, AIN'T so easy. In doing so, it has started to answer SO many of life's questions. Simply by taking a look at myself and my habits. It hit me like a ton of bricks that I was searching to be completed in all the wrong places.
It is not photography.
It is not my children.
It is not my husband.
It is not anything that is material.
It was simply a relationship with my God. That divine energy that everyone always said "completed them" but the selfishly-blind me couldnt grasp the concept until I hit that low. But, God knew I would hit this low to find him and BOY has he been talking to me since.
I was so naive to think I was on my own to figure out this thing called "life" out. I dubbed this "ah-ha" moment as the moment I woke up. I had really been living my life asleep at the wheel and thinking I was actually being artistic about it. You really start to realize just how full of yourself you really are. ;)
THEN I started to really see the people that I was surrounded by. There were so many times that God tried to show me his love through the people he put on my path. I was just ignorant to it. I now understand their purpose and have this feeling of overwhelming love from it. They are the ones who haven't given up on me when I gave up on myself. They are the ones who have always seen my worth when I didn't. I have had a long hard battle with anxiety/migraines/depression due to my inability to manage my stress and love who I was. I created some pretty strained relationships because of my selfish need to shut down from feeling so empty. I gave up on the hope of ever feeling complete or successful.
The last few months have me feeling like I am finally feel AWAKE. What is really beautiful about being in the process of this spiritual climb I have perfected my craft just enough to make a living on it but now I want to spread love ALONG with using my craft. I want to inspire people to stop and really take care of themselves physically and spiritually so they can find their peace and do what they were put on this earth to do. Now, I know there are people who think they are just fine and don't need any of this and that is okay! The beauty of all of this is learning how to love those who don't have the same beliefs, you know, the way Jesus did. It is not up to us to force our beliefs on to anyone else but we should have the right to share ours without being attacked for it.
I had a family friend that I have watched grow from a child into a young mother tell me the other day that she looked up to me and has since childhood. I thought, WHOA! She has NO idea just how broken I really am. Do I really put on that good of a front? I need to get my stuff together....people besides my kids are watching. I have spoke so negatively of myself TO myself for FAR too long and it is time to start with some self-love. I had to be honest with myself and felt the need to be honest with everyone I have met doing what I love so they know who I really am.
I met a woman named Carlee who was new to the area and wanting to make some friends....once we started to connect we quickly became close. She poured all her love on to others and left none for herself, like most moms. She told me about her battle with post-partum depression and how yoga gave her a new breath of life. If gave her the ability now to pour her love into her children AND herself simultaneously. She reminded me the true beauty of life and set an example of the bond I wanted with my own children. My curious mind had to see what this yoga stuff was all about. I began practicing by myself and learning how to meditate. Each day, I gained more knowledge about myself and what I could do to create the change I so badly wanted. God strategically kept placing people in my path and it's was up to me to grow the planted seeds.
Yoga has given me control of my body and mind again. There are still days that are hard but now that I have the tools to cope. Days are much easier and there is now a light at the end of this tunnel. I really believe any form of mediation may work. For me, yoga worked best because you are connecting your mind to your body at the same time. I like multi-tasking personally. God was not finished with me yet though, there was still MUCH more knowledge for me to learn.
My brother started to become very ill due to his diet of PB&J's and sodas his whole life. This kind of diet causes inflammation of your intestines and organs and he refused to change the way he ate. His body finally gave up and he was to the point of needing surgery. My mom and I prayed each week that he would be healed and would not need to visit the ER. I just wanted him to be healed and this was my chance to see how strong my faith had grown. His body was beginning to shut down and time was running short. My mom's friend Eileen (that she hadn't talked to in months) randomly called the day before we would end up taking him to the ER. She wanted to tell my mom about horse that was being starved knowing my mom would find someone to save it. But, that was not the reason she called.
Little did she know she had the knowledge to change what was about to happen to my brother. My mom told her about this issues he was having and how afraid we were for him. "I will be over immediately and we are going to fix this" Eileen told my mom. I have personally always thought the dairy free/gluten free/organic eating was a little over the top but that all changed the moment my brother was healed from the knowledge Eileen shared with us. She went through her own medical problems and almost lost her own life due to the same type complications. She did a lot of research to find that she had Celiac's disease and it was from the food she ate. So many people don't believe they are eating poison until they are in the positions they were in. They deal with the symptoms of the disease but never do anything to fix it, they just accept their body the way it is. Or, they think that the issues their bodies have are "genetic" and that's just the way they have to live.
I painfully watched my little brother get very ill and it was all due to food. It was very scary BUT it was also a wake up call. I learned that the food we eat is poison for our bodies and we all assume it's safe. This is what we eat while we are pregnant, this is what we feed our children, and they grow up their entire lives ingesting it. Most of the health problems we have could be changed with our diet. It is PROVEN that this food creates inflammation of every single one of your organs. It is just a matter of time of when your body finally can't handle it anymore. It also creates a build up of calcium on your glands, including your pineal gland. The gland that helps maintain circadian rhythm and regulate hormones and is supposed to be your entry to a higher level of consciousness. Can't achieve that if your body is sick, which is why I am mentioning it. The vehicle for your soul has to be maintained. ;)
Let me just pause to say this.
You are not broken. You are not sick. You can be happy and do what you love. You can find your way if you are willing to work for it. Life really is beautiful when you are able to look at it with a higher level of consciousness. You just can't when you are oppressed with bad mental and physical health. Life begins to make sense and life is suddenly the most beautiful thing to get to experience. There is no age limit on this knowledge. It's there for you when you want or are ready for the change.
I am still new to this lifestyle and photographers are supposed to have blogs....feeling like I needed to grow my craft more it only made sense to use something that I am madly passionate about now. Doors started to open and I am excited about everything again! I feel like a kid all over and just want to love and allow people to see their worth.
I began to think that maybe I have a teeny tiny platform to share my knowledge with the souls I have come across doing photography. Being a standard portrait photographer is just not my thing. And that's okay! I have too much appreciation for life now not to document it the way it naturally is. I first thought it was a gamble knowing I may lose clients over this (which means food off my families plate)...but I am not on this earth to waste anymore time being unhappy with what I am doing. My purpose is to create and spread light and love. I just can't do that when I am standing in a 10ft hole. Even if it's one person who reads my story and follows this blog and finds inspiration to seek a higher level of consciousness then I am doing some good. If it doesn't, well then it's okay. It's still therapy. ;) Haha.
So, with that being said, as a part of my new journey to "jump start" the love I want to create in the world I plan to simply be on a search to document the stories of those who have been in their own darkness and found their own way out and how they did it. As well as what they do now to share light and love. I am so saddened by the negative on on the internet that I want to contribute in way that will cultivate what the world needs....love. God is love they always say. I get it now, guys. It is this one solution that would fix the issues that brew from hate/evil. It has always been present but is now under a microscope with internet/tv/social media. We have these wonderful technological tools but we use them for all the wrong things instead of as a instrument to reach others and inspire a higher level of consciousness.
Don't you think there are barriers to this higher level of thinking? Really think, what are they? Our nation has very little focus on mental health. The wealth of our country is held by pharmaceuticals and banks. Do you THINK they really are passing out drugs to help you? Do you think the food provided is safe for your body to consume? No wonder other nations hate us. We are slaves to our own government and a lot of us really don't want to look at what's happening. We rather stick to our own narrative to how things are. I digress though. Politics is not what this is all about.
What is life for if you don't live for what your purpose is? We ALL have a purpose but there I feel like to many are blinded by their darkness. There are certain vibrations are you constantly contributing to. It's science. Which one are you putting out? Is it the low or the high? My ultimate life's purpose is just to create the change I want to see in the world. I want to create a better future for not only my children but the world itself. Don't we all? I was given the privilege of being a parent and now I see the future through their eyes. I had to ask myself what was I doing to set an example for them. What am I doing for our future? What morals am I making sure to instill in their hearts? No more wasting time feeling empty of any purpose, it's time to put what I do know to use for a greater cause. So, with that being said, things at Real Teel will be indeed getting real. Funny how life is ironic like that. Never thought of the meaning when I named all of this 5 years ago. I just thought it was catchy when my mom said it. Someone really has a sense of humor.
Now, I am not out of the woods here or saved by any means. I just have a little more understanding on the meaning of life and the tools I need to get out of my hole. Might as well document it right? So, in order to do this I still have to book work to fund my new "project". If this is something you would like to see me do OR that you would like to be a part of...please choose or continue to use me as your photographer. My mind is open to all ideas and knowledge.
I am opening myself up in order to help others and document the people I come across that make it a point to spread light and love and share it on this blog. If this happens to inspire you to want to create the same change, tell me about it! I was put here to be a healer and is it something I have known since I was a little girl. At 29, I am just now learning how to embrace it. Here's to the future of what comes of this.
Do good, be good.